when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
