Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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