my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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