guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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