I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Your penis caused this!
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