I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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