seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
