well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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