he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
