Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
