just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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