I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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