dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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