I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You pole danced in your parka.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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