Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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