me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
