If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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