She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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