Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
