someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
