Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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