I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
