All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
