just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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