Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
