Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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