The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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