She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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