I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
