I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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