i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
