on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
