dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
