You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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