help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
