the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
