what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She's the barista slut.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
