I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
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Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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