I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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