Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
