Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
