im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
