I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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