no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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