Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
