She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
