Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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