I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
