I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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