i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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