I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need water and some morals
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