new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
