Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
