party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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