cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
